Sunday, July 28, 2013

Freshmen’s Guide to the Ultimate College Hookup

The first few weeks of college can frankly be quite terrifying.
There’s so many new hot members of the opposite sex, your senses are on edge and the possibilities seem endless.
I was privileged to all the aftermath though, and I’m here to impart upon you some wisdom based on others’ mistakes.
1. Know what girls want.
If you’re a guy that doesn’t like dealing with drama or tears, don’t hook up with a girl you know if you don’t see your relationship going any further than that. Usually, girls do not take kindly to being used this way, even if they totally wanted it at the time, and they will not talk to you again.
2. Know what guys want.
On the flip side, ladies, look around you. The gentlemen you see are blissfully anticipating four years of consequence free sex, and of course they are about to be sorely disappointed. That being said, if you are looking forward to starting a relationship with him during this first year of higher education, you will be to.
3. You don’t owe him anything.
This applies to guys as well, but I haven’t seen it being a problem for them ever, so I’m addressing the girls again. You. Don’t. Owe. Him. Shit. Blue balls are a mythical invention designed as yet another ploy to let him stick it in. Don’t fall for that. And even if this is a medically proven condition, there are… other solutions he can use to take care of himself. I don’t care how far you’ve gone or where you are. If you want to stop, stop. Don’t feel guilty and don’t do anything you don’t want to. I don’t like seeing women with regrets.
4. Use protection.
I can hear you rolling your eyes, but I am serious! It can be tempting to disregard this advice in the heat of the moment, but just remember: HIV is forever. Also, getting pregnant can be severely detrimental to your life plan, unless your life plan includes having a baby at eighteen.
5. Work your magic.
I’m all about knowing what you want. If you’re the kind of person that is looking for something more serious than a one night stand, step your game up. Girls, try giving him a little something to look forward to. Don’t go all the way, let him see your personality, or do whatever it is you do that drives guys wild.
Fortunately, some guys are like this.
Unfortunately, they are not Ryan Gosling.
Boys, this advice works for you too. If you want to see her again, let her know! Try being a gentleman. I know chivalry might seem dead , but a little manners can go a long way, especially in college where simply opening doors or paying for her on a date (even taking her on a date, period) will make you look like Prince Charming compared to the other drunken apes running around campus.
What I want you to take away from all of this, men and women of the Freshman class, is that confidence is sexy. It will get you what you want, it will make people like you, and if you have high standards, you might be surprised at the people that rise to meet them.
If you really do just wanna have fun, that’s fine too, just play it safe and be polite to your partners, past and present. It’ll make you look that much better.

10 Things You Must Do Before Class


Ahhh waking up so cozy…

Ahhh your alarm goes off, and you awake in horror.
“I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO TODAY.” All you want to do is roll over, cozzy-up like a kitten, and sleep until noon.
Well, you can’t. You’re going to college for a reason. What it is may still be unclear, but you ought to at least get to class. Here’s a Top-10 from Honest College that might help you look forward to the morning, or at least be efficient with it and hate it less. Here goes, start at #10 if you’re feeling bold:
  1. Wake up the person lying next to you…even if you don’t totally recognize them, you owe them at least a meager goodbye. If you’re nice, drive them home.
  2. Coffee….make it, don’t buy it. Unless you hate your money. Iced coffee works better for some to jumpstart the day, and it’s more refreshing. Bring it to class, or the library, everyone’s doing it.
  3. Shower, if you went out the night before….you probably smell. And if you were out the night before, you smell like any number of these things: booze, cigarettes, marijuana, and greasy food. Just because you can’t smell the cheap beer evaporating out of you and the smoke in your hair, doesn’t mean your teachers can’t. Axe can substitute, but don’t try this more than two days in a row. Gross. 
  4. Sunglasses….you know you forget them a lot, but when it’s extra sunny and you’re extra hungover these babies come in handy.
  5. Computer time…see what your so called friend did to your Facebook profile. You don’t want those pics or that awkward status up all day. Brief email check doesn’t hurt.
  6. Chug water…just a good idea at all times really. You’ll be happier after you do it and taking a pee mid-class really breaks up the time.
  7. Read or watch something funny. Hulu used to be good, YouTube, maybe a Dilbert cartoon. Just something to get the juices flowing.
  8. Do your homework. If you didn’t do it at the library the night before.
  9. Think about the coming night’s plans. So when the sorority girls approach you asking you’ll have an answer and not seem like a space-cadet.
  10. Play a prank on your sleeping roommates or dorm-mates. Be nice, but not too nice. Propping things up on them is always a good one.

Tips On How To Get Over Home Sickness

 You’re taking your first steps into adulthood. You’re moving into a building littered with kids your age hell-bent on making Friday night chaos, but hey, baby steps.
Chances are, you’re psyched to get away from rules and curfews and eating what your parents feed you. But there may come a time this fall when you pause for a moment–whether you’re walking to class, doing laundry, or getting in bed–and think to yourself, “I really miss home.”
So, incoming freshmen, I have created a few tips on how to combat this horrible feeling that could potentially get in the way of enjoying your red cup  in September. Here’s the list:


1. Talk about it. Sorry, guys. You’re going to hate this one. But it could really help. If you’re missing your mom a little, your roommates or friends might be, too. You all could be having the time of your lives and still feel a little weird about not checking in with your parents at night. It doesn’t have to be a cry-fest if you don’t want it to be, but seriously, bring it up. Maybe getting some of your homesickness out there will help you to get over it faster. Trust me, you will get over it eventually. College is awesome.
2. Call home. This is kind of a no-brainer, but the key is to do this in moderation. If you’re constantly on the phone with them, you’re not helping the separation. But, calling them a few times a week just to update them will slowly make the separation easier. It’s really important that you remember to call them. Parents are parents, and they will always want to know how their child is doing. If you don’t call much, they’ll probably get mad. If your parents get mad, you’ll have crappy holiday breaks. If you have crappy holiday breaks, you’re never going to want to call home. If you give a mouse a cookie…
3. Keep momentos. I’m not saying you should build a shrine to your family, (honestly, your roommate(s) would probably be a little freaked out) but duct-taping that one funny picture the bus driver took of all of you in Hawaii to the wall can serve as a reminder of those awesome people you’re related to. Pack a few objects that mean something to you and your family and set them by your bed. If nothing else, they can serve as great conversation starters with your roommate(s) and new dorms friends.
4. Keep your family involved. Does your school have a “parents program?” How about a “grandparents program?” Many schools have online “clubs” that your relatives can join that keep them updated on happenings at the college, send weekly/monthly newsletters, and more. Plus, if you decide to join Greek life, sororities (and many fraternities, too) are known for having family get-togethers like lunches or trips. For those families who live too far away to travel to these functions, many Greek chapters have Facebook pages and websites where they put up photos and videos from some of their events. Get your family to come for parent’s weekend, convince them to take a vacation to where your university is. If they’re as involved (okay, almost as involved) in your school as you are, the distance will seem to shrink.
As I said, you will eventually get over homesickness. But remember to ensure your family that no matter how much fun you’re having, you still miss them. Parents love that.
But let’s face it, you really do miss them.

Perks of Staying Sober

I’m not going to lie and say “this will happen to everyone!” because, the truth is, some people are hardwired to mingle.
However, for those of you (like me) who tend to take a more voyeuristic approach to parties, let me just fill you in on some benefits you may (or may not) have known existed.
Sidenote: This doesn’t necessarily mean attending a party in which you are one of the only people (or the only person) who hasn’t had anything to drink- you’d need a “Perks of Being a DD” article… I should write one of those. But I digress. This article can be for sober or slightly intoxicated college kids who may just have a difficult time… well… conversing.
Here’s what’s to look forward to:
My friends pile on top of me because I'm sitting in a chair against a wall at a party
- Chances are, you’ll avoid making snap (and stupid) decisions. If you’re drunk, you’re probably talking to everyone. Or at least the people you came to the party with. When your drunk, the worst thing you can do (second to getting behind the wheel of a car) is talk to other drunk people.
Honestly, they’re just going to try–and probably succeed–to talk you into doing some idiotic dare. That’s how people die. And get expelled. No people to talk to, minimal spontaneous actions.
- You can find out practically all there is to know about anyone you’d like. Normally, this would be considered stalking or spying or just eavesdropping, but when everyone is yelling over the loud music and you have no choice, it’s actually somewhat entertaining.
A word of caution: don’t make yourself obvious. That’s the point of being a wallflower, right? To be just a little invisible.
- No smalltalk. There are always awkward situations with acquaintances and old friends at parties. If you’re talking up a storm in the center of the room, people are naturally drawn to you… especially all those people you have absolutely no interest in talking to. If someone you don’t like approaches you while you’re playing the “wallflower card,” it’s much easier to make excuses like “I’m going outside,” “Sorry, trying to find the bathroom,” or “I was just leaving.”
Though its true, ladies, that strange creepers are more likely to approach you when you’re alone. Hopefully you’re just hanging out on the wall and did not come to the party completely alone. In these uncomfortable situations, try to quickly latch on to a friend (I’ve always found to run to either a group of girlfriends or at least one of your guy friends.)
- You get to tell everyone exactly how they acted the next day. I don’t know if it’s a little evil or not, but I always take just a teensy bit of pleasure from telling my friends some of the less-than-college-level-intelligent things they said and did the previous night. Being the self-imposed “fly on the wall” gives you the 11am privilege of painting the picture for the others. Watching your friend’s (or perhaps a “frienemy’s”) hungover facial expression change from exhausted to embarrassed is a memory you won’t soon forget.
This is also a good time to tell them you’ll watch their back more carefully next time. (I don’t think I need to remind you all to step in if you see your friend about to do something really stupid, like ruin-their-college-careers-and-or-lives stupid.)
And there you have it! (On a totally different note for a second: your elementary school teachers were wrong, you can totally start a sentence with “and.” I’m an English major… trust me). Consider these perks the next time you’re in an uncomfortable social situation… they may make you want to be a wallflower at every “major rager.”
Okay, so being the center of attention is probably better, but I’ve had some great freakin’ times being what I like to secretly call the “party supervisor.” Man, if those walls could talk… well, no one would hear them because obviously I’m in their way.